Fire Hazard

College Community School District had their annual visit from the fire marshall this week. At my building, Prairie Crest Elementary, the principal and head custodian have been making it very clear that they expect NO violations, and that we should follow the fire code even when the fire marshall is not expected to come. I was gone the day before he came, so did not receive the final reminders and admonitions. When the fire marshall and his 2 helpers walked in my room, I am sure I turned pale. My room was a disaster! There were piles of care bears, puppets, winter clothes, books, puzzles, and curricula all around the room (the piles were not MIXED, mind you - I do have a tiny bit of organization skills). There was probably no less than 50 various examples of children's art work hanging around the room - gifts from my students that MUST be displayed! My desk had several different piles of papers that I had not yet figured out how to file. OK, you probably get the picture. I was so embarrassed! I spent Saturday afternoon organizing and I feel better about it now, but it is too late as far as being written up as a fire hazard.

While I was at school organizing, Darrell spent the afternoon at Wartburg Seminary moving into his dorm room that he will live in during the week. It is better than a dorm room - actually it is more like a nice hotel room. We are both excited about the journey we are on. It is sometimes hard to let go and trust God for the outcome, but we are growing in that. It is a lot like what I am doing with the book "The Artist's Way", learning to relax, tap into the spiritual part of me, and let it out. Let God control the outcome. I know that God is creative (wow, that was an understatement - He is THE CREATOR); I know a tiny bit of his creative spark is inside of me. I will trust him to fan it into a flame if He wants to. Let the fire marshall write HIM up!

It's not a park

One day when Melanie and I wanted to take a walk together, she had told the girls that they were going to a park with Bam. We chose a wonderful walking path in Johnston behind Panera that winds through trees, beautiful grass and gardens, a horse pasture, and there are lovely picnic places with picnic tables and space to play. Sophie was mad that it was not her idea of a park - no swings or slides or anything - nothing to do but walk. I tried to reason with her that some parks are made up of all these things we are seeing, but do not have playgrounds. She just kept saying, "It's not a park". She would not be convinced - this was not a park in her world view. I let it go. Later, as we were buckling her back into the car seat in her mom's car and I was getting ready to go on my way, I hugged her and kissed her and lovingly said, "Goodbye my Little Sophie! Bam loves you SO much!" Her response? She would not even look at me. She lowered her head and voice and muttered..."it's not a park". I just had to laugh. I love her so much!

I always seem to have a spiritual struggle going on over something - usually it is me not measuring up in someway, but sometimes it is more philosophical - me trying to understand something a little (or a lot) over my head - things that just don't fit my worldview. Recently, I heard the phrase "growing edge" as a polite way to discuss one's weakness; I like that phrase. My growing edge is learning to become "a human being, instead of a human doing" (another phrase I learned a long time ago but can't seem to apply to my life). God is hitting me with this from all directions: the women's group I am in, the daily devotional I am using, the book called "The Artist's Way" that I am reading...ALL of them keep pointing me in this same direction of focusing my spirit on who I am instead of what I do. I DON'T GET IT! Even my husband is pushing me this direction - I say, "What do you want to do this weekend?" and he says, "Be with you." Sweet and romantic, right? It is frustrating! You can't answer a DO question with a BE answer! So I say, "Thanks, Love. I want to be with you, too. Now what do we do??" He says, "You do what you want. I just want to be with you." Grrr. God does the same thing. I ask, "What do you want me to do, God?" And he says, "Be with me." OK THEN WHAT?! What if I stop DOING and there is nothing there? I tried to hash this out in conversation with Darrell. He had some wonderful theology that still didn't make much sense and I ended the conversation with "It doesn't make sense." He laughed his loving laugh and said, "I can see Sophie saying, "It's not a park." Hmmmm.....that helps. I think I am starting to get it now....and it doesn't really matter if I get it or not, does it?

Love of learning

Education is always trying to figure out how to instill a love of learning. I think we just have to learn how to NOT stomp it out. Hannah is constantly learning and gets angry if anyone gets in her way. Example: she practiced putting on and taking off her jacket for at least an hour. She insisted I help her start the zipper every time. Then it was bedtime and she insisted on sleeping with the jacket. Now there is a passion for learning! Another example: Olivia was so excited to tell me about math problems, as if they were a brand new invention. "First they give you 2 numbers in a row like 1 plus 2, then a blank, and you have to figure out the answer and write it in. Isn't that exciting?!" This was not sarcasm...she was honestly thrilled! Another example: Melanie is getting paid to sit in a gorgeous, state of the art hospital and just read magazines and watch movies because there are no patients yet. She hates it because it has no meaning and she is not being challenged. Hmmm...is that why kids start hating school? Last example: Darrell has a liberal arts degree with a double major as well as a masters degree. He also has 16 years experience as a pastor. Now he wants to be a pastor in the Lutheran Church and they are "making" him take a year of classes in seminary and possibly do an internship. This makes me angry for him, but he couldn't be happier. He loves his classes and welcomes the reading of about 100 pages a night. Thanks, Darrell, for being the best example of a lifelong learner that I have seen. Thanks for not being content with an easy paycheck, Mel, but insisting on relevance and challenge. Thanks for showing us how exciting learning is, Olivia. Thanks, Hannah, for reminding us how important learning is, and for refusing to let anyone stop you from it.

Committed

If I call myself "committed" it can either mean I have nobly set my heart and mind on accomplishing something, or it can mean someone has forced me into a mental institution. Why do we use the same word for that? I have spent my adult life walking with Jesus. Sometimes I have messed up and slipped off the path but He has faithfully stayed by me and picked up the pieces and makes me strong again. I want to re-commit myself to God's way for me. I want to live the rest of my life as close to His will as I can get, by His power. I know that religious fervor often accompanies mental illness. I don't want to become one of those crazy Christians shouting at no one on the street corner, but I also don't want to be a silent, undercover Christian. I don't know what this will look like, but I am ready to find out all that God has planned for me and do whatever He says. Phil 4:14 "I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Please don't commit me, but I am committed to this.

Hannah

Hannah and I got the opportunity to hang out together last night while Dan and Amy went on a date. She is a funny, sweet, and wonderful little person! She is starting to talk, she likes to play chase, and she plays the piano. We played "grandma builds tower and Hannah tears it down." When I fed her supper I gave her a little plastic fork and she played airplane with it. She spent quite a long time trying to make a doll shoe fit on her toes. She did eventually give up and put her own shoes on (with my help). Although Hannah is still not bigger than Max, she shoves him away when he gets too kissy; Max seems to know she is the boss. Bedtime was sweet - 2 books, then rocking. She laid her head on my shoulder without any fuss at all and went right to sleep. I can't imagine anything more peaceful than rocking your granddaughter to sleep.

Power of parenting

How long do parents' actions affect their children? The positive stuff, I believe, is for eternity. The negative stuff, by the grace of God, has an end but it can last a long, long time. Today I was really surprised to find that after 40 years, my dad's death still had the power to make me cry. I was at a Crisis Response Training. The trainer talked about her experiences being called in to respond to national crises like the Columbine shootings. She told her experience of asking a little boy what it was like to be a 4 year old who lost his daddy. The trainer helped us understand the importance of asking that hard question. I realized no one ever asked me that after my dad died. In fact, no one said anything. When I went back to school, I wasn't sure if everyone was afraid to ask, or if they just didn't know that my dad had shot himself. None of us in the family even talked about it. Back to the crisis training: the next thing the trainer said that started to unleash my tears was that when a child loses one parent through death, they also lose the other parent to grief, sometimes for a very long time. It really touched my heart because I knew I never did completely get my mom back. She became a bartender after dad's death and spent the rest of her life taking care of sick men. I hadn't thought about the fact that I really lost both parents. She had to deal with it in her own way. Mom said just recently, "oh by the way, I have been meaning to tell you kids...Uncle Glenn said that your dad's death was an accident - that he was trying to fix an old gun of your grandpa's." What?! 40 years later she says "oh I've been meaning to tell you"...?! So I started asking siblings what they remember- the only thing our memories agree on was that the death was suicide - that he shot himself in his own mom's garage. No love for his own life, let alone his family. One sister said it was a relief that the pain was over when he was gone. One brother believes it was a personal assault on him - that the grenade blew up in his hand in Vietnam the same instant that dad died and there was some kind of weird cosmic connection at that moment. I had believed all these years that there was a suicide note that blamed us - a family who didn't love him. No one else remembers a suicide note. Even though we all have a different take on what happened, it affected us all in ways that we may never understand. I had no idea that something that happened 40 years ago could still make me cry. God promised that in the next life there will be no more tears, so I know the negative parenting will lose its power. But God's power working in a loving family is eternal. My life is nourished daily through the love of my husband Darrell. I see my own children loving their lives, loving their family and loving God. I believe my grandchildren will have the same heritage, and the love will last forever. I would like to believe that was the last of the tears over my parents' choices. But if not, God promised that there will be a day with no more tears, and that will be eternal. Now there is some powerful parenting! Thank you, Father!

Rev 21 "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things have passed away."

Thanks for allowing me to talk about this and for reading. I hope you will leave a comment to show that it really is OK to talk about it. You can't say anything "wrong". Also, I recommend watching a video of Jeremy Camp's "There will be a day". It is so beautiful! If you do, please comment on that as well.

Wordle

Have you seen Wordle? It takes a bunch of text that you feed it and it makes a beautiful word cloud. Look at this one that I made from the Lift My Eyes blog. (Thanks, Lianna!)

http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/912546/Longs_Peak

For my going away present from Future Pathways, the teachers all came up with words that described me and made a beautiful Wordle that they framed for me. On the matte surrounding the wordle, everyone wrote a few words to me and signed it in different colors. It is so beautiful and meaningful! I will hang it in my new office at Prairie Crest Elementary.