I can see clearly now

I stopped writing. Not entirely...through encouragment of my family and some truly happy moments, I could still write occasionally. But the clouds have had me blind for awhile and I couldn't write much. Also, my name has changed so I had to change my google account and it took me forever to figure out how to get my blog from bailey.janis to jan.powers. But here it is. I read through my past entries and I am blown away by the changes in my life over the past few years. It is really painful and really beautiful all at the same time. That is how I tend to experience life. I wonder if other people feel this way too or if it is just me. I can have deep pain over one thing and absolute ecstasy over another all in the same day. Example: November 19, 2010. My baby girl had a baby girl - I was there to witness the first breath of Lenora. That is the same day my divorce from Darrell was finalized. I have never been happier and sadder in my life than that day. But happy wins over sad, good triumphs evil, and this blog will not end here. Even though most of my previous posts contain stories of Darrell, I will not erase this blog or start a brand new one. The whole me continues, happy/sad, good/bad,real me. My journey is not the fairytale that I thought it was, but I believe it will have a better ending than I could have dreamed up. I may not even see it until it is all over, but I still believe it. I am so thankful for my family who stays with me on this journey no matter what.
My family gave me the best birthday bash I could possibly imagine. I am now officially a senior citizen, which is weird because I can still feel a 5 year old girl in my heart that has been around for 55 years. It is possible that I could double my age before going on to the next life, so in a way, life is only half over. Probably not, but it COULD happen. What will the next half bring? I hope this birthday party was the beginning of what it will continue to look like: family that stays as long as they can, friends and neighbors that drop by to join the fun, sunshine, really good food and drink, vegetable and flower garden, art, great music, talking, laughing, dancing, singing, playing games, sweet surprises, loving words, hugs and kisses, babies crying, children laughing, phone calls and cards from those who couldn't come, the grace of God covering it all. I have everything I need. Thank you family. Thank you, God.